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Coyote at the Speed of Tao

If you don't like it, there's the passing lane; you know what to do.

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angel
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junkshop_coyote

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June 29th, 2013

A realization

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angel
I felt like I was starting to sour on the furry scene.  I tend to get the seven-year itch with groups I'm active in.  Then I realized what it's really about.

Every time I find some new subculture to hang out and be part of, I think, "here's my chance to be a big shot and make lots of friends."  When it doesn't happen, I get disillusioned and bitter.

Well, simple fact, I'm not the kind of person who becomes a big shot and makes lots of friends.  At any given time I'm doing well to have two or three really close friends who have similar interests and views.  I get "peopled out" easily and have to go back to my cocoon and recharge.

In other words, I'm an introvert and that's okay.  No amount of trying to be what I'm not will bear fruit.  It only took me 46 years to figure that out.  Now to go and enjoy what I am and what life is for what they are, without comparing my experience to anyone else's.

Namaste.

*dusts, coughs*

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angel
Hi.  It's been a while.  Sorry about that.  Here's the Cliffs Notes version of what's happened in the last 7 months:

  • My PT Cruiser died and I bought my very first brand-new car, a 2013 Hyundai Sonata.

  • Frank has cancer, Burkitt's lymphoma to be specific, a particularly aggressive relapse of his non-Hodgkin's lymphoma from 1999-2000.  Due to his heart condition, he can't take radiation, but he's handling chemo well and doing better.

  • Another friend, Michael S., is not so lucky.  He has been diagnosed with untreatable liver cancer, and probably has a few months to live.  He's already lost one leg up to the knee due to MRSA and diabetes, and has been in a nursing home for the last couple of years.

  • I have settled in with my study of Zen and Tao.  It is paying off handsomely, with a sharp drop in fucks given. ;)

  • I'm in the process of refinancing the house to free up several hundred dollars a month.

  • My family has scattered and my parents are in poor health.  The days of large gatherings are gone.

  • I'm going to be a great-uncle for the third time.

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February 20th, 2013

Yep. He has been tolerating chemotherapy very well and will continue it on an outpatient basis.

He's been really moved by how many people have supported him and said he touched their lives. He's got his fight back, talking about how it's "time to rise from the ashes again" like he's done so many times before in different ways, with his personal life, the Girth & Mirth club, our relationship, etc.

For my part, I'm grateful for what I have again. I see my dalliances for what they were, and I've been forgiven. We both own and face the roots of what made things get so dysfunctional in the first place. He wants to use whatever time he has left to help build us a life I can continue living when he is gone.

This is shaping up to be the fire that burns out all the crap between us.

Thank you all so much for the kind words and support you've given us.

February 14th, 2013

Frank, my partner, has been in and out of the hospital for the past month or so with various problems whose source they couldn't isolate.

Well, they finally did.

He has cancer again.

He had it in 2000, about 6 months before we met. He's been in remission until now. It's non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

They found multiple cysts in his stomach yesterday, during an upper GI when they were trying to locate the source of some internal bleeding. They immediately biopsied them and yes, they were malignant. The oncologist will talk to him today, and they will figure out where to go from here. Surgery is not an option; his health is too poor, between his diabetes and congestive heart failure. They treated it before with chemotherapy and radiation, which will be much harder on him now.

I'm pretty messed up about it. I feel like I helped bring it on by being such a dysfunctional husband - even in an open relationship I betrayed his trust and he's never forgiven me - but then, I'm not as dysfunctional as his ex, who beat him and made him sell his pain pills on the street to buy weed. Everyone, including him, says not to blame myself. But for all the times I missed my freedom out loud, now death may bring it, and I feel responsible.

January 6th, 2013

Robin Hood 40

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can't enjoy vinyl
GUYS. GUYSGUYSGUYS.

I just realized that that most beloved-by-furries of all Disney movies, Robin Hood, will turn 40 this year on November 8.  This is serious cause for celebration (once you're done feeling old).  Let's rally the troops and make this a thing.  I like wildbilltx' suggestion of urging Disney to release it on Blu-Ray this year.  For Twitter furs, I propose the #RobinHood40 hashtag.

Cross-posted to greymuzzle and silvermuzzles.

December 31st, 2012

As I was saying on Twitter, "you might be a greymuzzle if you remember when STD's were VD."  Then Mirkowuff (of Twitter) linked me to this blast from the past, which I remembered from childhood, but too vaguely to look for.  Of course the irony was lost on me then; hell, I had to ask what VD was.  Thank goodness my mother was one to answer such questions poker-faced and matter-of-factly.

Crossposted to greymuzzle and silvermuzzles.

December 4th, 2012

Woke up this morning and my stomach felt like a blown-up balloon.  I didn't exactly feel nauseous, but nothing I ingested would stay down.  It all kind of acid-refluxed without the acid, back up into my throat like it had never gone down in the first place.  I'm sure that sounds quite lovely.  It wasn't really unpleasant, just weird as hell, like some wires got crossed and a valve stopped working.  It interfered enough that I couldn't get my act together to go to work in time.

Frank needed to borrow the car (actually, Mom's SUV, which I'm still driving for now) to go to a doctor's appointment.  He has had severe general fatigue and malaise lately, and didn't feel like he was OK to drive.  So I said "fuck it" and called in sick so I could drive him.

He ended up being back in the exam room for almost 2 hours.  My cell phone is a piece of crap and couldn't get a decent signal.  Trying to read Twitter while I waited was exasperating, to say the least.  So I decided to try a little "stealth zazen," a bit of unobtrusive meditation while I sat there in the waiting room.  Didn't get in the lotus position and all that - don't really have the body for it right now anyway - but I sat nice and straight, kind of crossed my legs at the ankle and folded my hands in half-assed, better-than-nothing mudras that wouldn't attract attention, pushed my diaphragm down, opened up my chest cavity nice and wide, closed my eyes and... breathed.  Tried just to be that swinging door.

I'm not good enough at this yet to really pull it off in such a place, full of distractions.  But I did get into a kind of trance of hyper-awareness where all the little blips of information flying around me were relaxing and fascinating, as if I'd walked into a butterfly sanctuary.  The opportunities for me to be my accustomed judgmental self were plenty, but the desire to take them was gone.  I was happy just to watch it all.  A bit of that and I started catnapping off and on.  And that was OK, too.  Everything was just... OK.  Even how it was taking Frank forever.  He could use a good looking-over!

And he got one.  His blood pressure, thickness and sugar were all too low.  The doctor tweaked his meds and may take him off a few if he continues not to need them.  Well, after that, it was time for me to get some caffeine in me.  Frank had gotten a Starbucks gift card from our bank and he passed it on to me.  I bought a Trenta iced coffee and a bottled water, and pounded them like a rented piece of ass.  Ahhhh.  All better.  *giggle*

Then Frank had to sort something out with the bank, which was right around the corner.  I did too - I was getting a service charge I shouldn't have.  I assumed that when M&I Bank became BMO Harris, they had forgotten to grandfather in my free checking, because that's what happened when First Indiana became M&I.  I knew a phone call would take care of everything, but I never got around to it.  (It wasn't quite that simple, but it was that easily fixed.)  So, I did it in person, and Frank slipped into the conversation that I was also looking at refinancing the house and taking out a car loan.  I'd normally be pissed that he was pushing me to do stuff I didn't like to do because I'm so socially awkward, but I rolled with it today, and by the time I left, I had contact info for the refinancing, I'd applied for a pre-approved car loan, and it had all been shockingly painless.  I did NOT feel like the biggest loser in the world because I had less experience at, you know, adult stuff than some.  That is not like me.  Really not like me.  So not like me, it's like WAT.  WAT.

They also had some very cute Hubert plushes set out around a display about teaching kids how to save.  I asked the teller if they were for sale and she said I could have one.  Frank saw mine and he wanted one too, so the bank guy we were talking to got him one (his is the one on the left with the derp face, hehehe):



I also grabbed a pamphlet with Hubert on it I didn't have before:



So, despite my efforts (or lack of them), it ended up being a fairly productive day.
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December 2nd, 2012

A little holiday music

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technics 1200
OK, I've been going on about this on Twitter for a bit now, so I'll make an LJ post out of it.

Up until today, I hadn't yet had that moment where that one forgotten Christmas song pops up from out of nowhere, just rocks your world and makes you feel all Christmasey all of a sudden.  Today it happened as I was in Meijer.  Now I know I'm an old fart because the one place out in public that consistently impresses me with the music they play is the fucking grocery store.

Well, you know the old saying, writing about music is like dancing about architecture.  So I went YouTubing to share the actual song with my Twitter followers, in case they didn't know it.  I was hoping to find the viral video that made the song a hit in the first place.  Not only did I find it, but much to my amusement, it's now the official music video for the song!  I understand it was originally created for a decorating contest.  I hope its creator got an even bigger payoff from the record label than from the beer company who sponsored the contest.

Ladies and gentlemen, "Wizards In Winter" by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.  Have your air guitars ready, it's time to rock.

NaBLOWPoMo: FAIL

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angel
Yep.  I fail.  Like a motherfucking fat rat's ass, and that's not paying the fat rat's ass any compliments.

My brain is so adapted to Twitter now that I just don't have the coherence or patience to sit down and write a nice, in-depth blog post every day anymore.  I'm too busy whoring for the next crack-like hit of attention that text-notification tone brings.

However, the first step is admitting you have a problem.  The few of you who still hang around here seem a lot more faithful (and a fuck of a lot more mature) than fickle, flighty Twitter.  So, what if I promise just to give you more love, with an emphasis on progress instead of data parameters?

November 25th, 2012

NaBloPoMo 18: Yote TV

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technics 1200
Fix a drink, put up your feet and enjoy a couple of relaxing, longish videos:



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